The guy listened to her heartbeat and said “she is gone” and I almost lost it; I grabbed the leash and her collar and left. I didn’t even say bye to anybody, I just needed some fresh air. “She is gone” hit hard, it took my breath away.
We went to the car and didn’t leave right away. My husband had tears rolling down his cheeks, he put her collar over the rear mirror and lit a cigarette. “Oh Boy” there it was the familiar smell. I rolled the window down and we left the parking lot. Normally I walk away when a cigarette smells tempting, but there is no walking away in the car. My husband was hurting, that’s why he smoked. He didn’t smoke to tempt me, he smoked to numb himself. Isn’t that was we smokers belief “let’s smoke a cigarette and we will feel better”. Isn’t that the big lie of every addiction?
We stopped at a store on our way home and I went in alone. I wanted and needed distraction and thinking about something unimportant like Dinner seemed perfect. Somehow I was able to function and I grabbed a few groceries, not that I remember what. I even picked up a nice bottle of wine. I was standing in the checkout line and looked at the lighters hanging in front of me. Isn’t this one of the situations when a lot of ex-smokers relapse? Am I going to? I was thinking about smoking and I asked myself “do I want one?” Do I want to smoke right now”? Our dog just died and I am sad and very upset, maybe…
I couldn’t find the answer, there was no “yes” or “no” popping up and then it hit me. I was sad that my dog was dead; I wanted to think about her and not about cigarettes. I checked out and went back to the car. I said “I don’t smoke anymore”, my husband just looked at me and said “I know”.
No Sweetheart, you don’t understand…I REALLY DON’T SMOKE ANYMORE! I don’t want one, not even now…but, please let’s not talk about the bottle of wine that disappeared that night!
So back to my original question “will I still SNOT tomorrow?”
I learned to SNOT at the online support board. No, it doesn’t mean I lost my marbles and all my manners; I don’t go around and snot on the street -yet.
We took a daily pledge at the support board. A lot of ex-smokers pledges “NOPE” (Not one puff ever). EVER…like forever, that’s a damn long time and I didn’t want to think about it then. I preferred a heartfelt S.N.O.T (Smoking is not an option today). One day at a time sounded reasonable to me…and saying or typing SNOT made me laugh as well.
So, the answer is “YES, I will still SNOT tomorrow”
(Thinking about you my girl see you at the rainbow bridge)