Revenge can be sweet~!

iFunds

I don’t know if I am the only one, but I have to admit, that there were times when money was tight, so tight that we really had to juggle around what we had, to make ends meet. Times, when we searched our house top to bottom for change, so we could buy cigarettes and maybe a burger to share. Once or twice a check bounced, because we were just a little bit late with our deposits. The bank knew us, these were the times when bank employees actually knew you by name and we knew the employees as well. 

Knowing each other didn’t help, we had to pay overdraft fee and/or insufficient fund fee, both penalties given to the ones that have obviously don’t have too much money to begin with. Please, excuse my language…but this always bugged the shit out of me. Where is the logic in that? And why are we so helpless, why do we have to pay for things like that, just because somebody decided that we have to?

When I found the following letter, written by a not so happy bank customer, I had to laugh out loud. It did not just make my day, it made my whole week. I wish I would had then, when were at a tight spot. I don’t know who wrote it, neither do I know if it was ever sent, but boy would I have liked to be there when the manager of whatever-bank was reading it.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Justice of the Peace must countersign all copies of his or her medical history and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

  1. To make an appointment to see me.
  2. To query a missing repayment.
  3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
  4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there, the extension of which to be communicated at the time the call is received.
  5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping, the extension of which will also be communicated at the time the call is received.
  6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature, the extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
  7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not home.
  8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
  9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: “Oh, the banks are made of marble with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the miners sweated for”

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost–a cost that you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20/page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your humble client

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8 thoughts on “Revenge can be sweet~!

  1. Made me simile , but with a bit of pain….
    I ‘m thinking of all the times we are abused by entities like Banks , Police Authorities ( even if we’re not guilty) Governments and stretch of power in general….
    Love your blog , Happy Quitter!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel the same way, but I although think we let a lot of things happen without even questioning them. At least that’s what we do here. Fee’s left and right and don’t get me started on hidden fees. It’s pathetic.

      Like

  2. I love it. I would make one addition to the Woody Guthrie music – a break every 20 seconds telling the bank how important their call is to me and asking them to please continue to hold.

    Liked by 1 person

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