How to pretend that you care about Football~!

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My husband turns into Mr. Football every year in fall. Every Sunday he comes down, wearing his team’s football jersey –which I bought him in a moment of weakness- and he sits down at the breakfast table, with a big smile on his face. “Let’s look who they are playing today,” and he rubs his hands like a little boy in a candy store.

Football time, that’s his favorite 5th season. As for me, it is a punishment for something that I didn’t do. I don’t care about Football, I don’t care who wins and I don’t care who loses.

I am very lucky, my husband is very supportive about everything I do, and I know that some things might torture him as much as football tortures me. So I sit down with him and watch a game now and then, what pretty much means I stare at the TV until my eyes starts burning. It is his sport, his team and I want to be supportive, I really do, but it’s hard.

I tried to get into football for many years, but regardless how hard I tried, it just didn’t work. I can sit there trying to figure out who is who for hours. They run left, they run right and I am sitting there, sleeping with open eyes. Sometimes my sleep gets interrupted, when Mr. Football jumps up and screams “Where is the flag?” or something else utterly important. Those little, colored handkerchiefs, which they are throwing around like candy from a party boat, that’s what they call a flag -what doesn’t make any sense at all. If it’s a handkerchief, call it a handkerchief.

I know some of the rules and some football slang, but most of it is just lost on me. It took me years to figure out that a tight-end was just a position on the field and that I did not have to stare at the players behinds (even though that was actually very entertaining). Although I learned, that it’s not good to scream “Goal” each and every time when they have a touchdown.

It always puzzled me, why is it called football, when they play with their hands? Beats me, but I don’t even ask anymore. There is just no logic behind it, or they would have noticed years ago, that balls are round and not oblong or egg-shaped.

Friends come over and watch the games with us , so I know I am not the only woman, who is bored senseless during football season.

I learned a few things over the years. Most importantly, I learned how to pretend that I understand a little bite about football, so I can join the cheerful people in our living room without looking like a total moron.

Here are some tricks you might want to try, if you are as clueless as I am:

  • It is really helpful to scream “Come on” and roll your eyes, when they interrupt the game with another commercial break, what pretty much happens every 5 minutes. “Come one” will sound like you are enjoying the game.
  • Some friends will test your knowledge about football with questions like “What do think about the game?” No worries there, the most perfect answer is “I am too upset to talk about it right now”...works like a charm each and every time.
  • Although, when you feel people are watching you, start shouting at the referees aka knows as “The Blind”. “What is wrong with him?” or just a simple “Whattttttt?” will do. As long as you pretend you are upset, that’s all that matters.
  • In case you don’t really know what is going on, just throw your hands in the air and say “Where is the flag?”.  Some tricky people might ask you what for, but no worries there; just say “Holding” and they will leave you alone. You can bet your butt someone was holding something or someone…somewhere.
  • The safest way to watch football with football enthusiast, is to just repeat what the people around you were saying just a while back. But, it’s a little bit tricky, when not all your friends will be routing for the same team.
  • When everything fails and you feel like you will be outed as a football dummy any minute, just sit up straight and throw the sentence “Do you think there will be any deflated balls this season?” into the room. That’s all you have to do. After that you can lean back, you are off the hook…that will keep them busy for a while.
  • And last, but not least, there will be a point when you won’t be able to take it anymore, then that’s just what you will announce “I can’t take it anymore.” After that get up and leave (as fast as you can), but don’t forget to stomp your foot and hang your head low like you would be suffering. Go in the kitchen and have the drink (or the cookie) you so much deserve.

And that’s how you survive another weekend of football without looking like a total moron. 🙂

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20 thoughts on “How to pretend that you care about Football~!

  1. I assume you mean american football… we called soccer Football over here…
    I don´t have any clue about american football either… It is very complex to understand, for sure… like Rugby…
    But what I can tell you for sure is that I laughed at your post and sayings as you watched the game… Some way, and putting aside differences, I do the same thing with my brothers and father on sundays…. With soccer … and I am most times offside so to speak…
    I guess these sports are made for men, anyway…
    Sending love and best wishes. Aquileana 🐉☀️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d never understood how people mIght have fun looking at a soccer/ football/ rugby ball , bumping in a stadium and broadcast on TV….but I felt a bit guilty for this anti-social attitude and tried to go unnoticed….

    Good to know that I’m not the only one..
    ..thanks to this post !

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It took me years to figure out that a tight-end was just a position on the field and that I did not have to stare at the players behinds (even though that was actually very entertaining).

    I ALMOST didn’t get past that one, I laughed so damn hard. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can soooo relate to all this. I catered many football parties for my husband and friends. and yes you learn the tricks to pretend that you are interested in it. I took up crocheting and I can sit there and crochet and look up now and then and if I supposedly missed something there is always the replays…..wink wink…..it is so important to them that we understand or at least show interest so that short time of the year I can deal with it. Hahahahaha I do have to admit that I love the Super Bowl for the great commercials. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This made me absolutely laugh out loud. Hysterical. I dated someone who was like your husband and he did explain things so at least I could understand what was happening, but I never really cared!! Great post 😀

    Like

  6. Here the main game is rugby. When we came to Australia (1956) I could not understand why they would play with a ball that wasn’t round. The problem became worse; instead of kicking the ball they would pick it up and run with it. I don’t get that game but most people here go wild. They scream oy,oy,oy and shake their fists in the air like demented dervishes that lost their twirl.
    No, give me out-door chess anytime.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve never been able to get into football to the degree I’ve learned to appreciate baseball. The rules of football always seem a bit vague to me and the calls rather random. But that being said, Garry is very serious about sports and I had a choice: learn to enjoy them or spend an awful lot of time along.

    I learned to appreciate football and enjoy baseball, though I can’t watch it all the time the way Garry does. I do enjoy tennis and basketball too, but can’t get my head around hockey. Too many stick and fights.

    Liked by 1 person

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