My husband turns into Mr. Football every year in fall. Every Sunday he comes down, wearing his team’s football jersey –which I bought him in a moment of weakness- and he sits down at the breakfast table, with a big smile on his face. “Let’s look who they are playing today,” and he rubs his hands like a little boy in a candy store.
Football time, that’s his favorite 5th season. As for me, it is a punishment for something that I didn’t do. I don’t care about Football, I don’t care who wins and I don’t care who loses.
I am very lucky, my husband is very supportive about everything I do, and I know that some things might torture him as much as football tortures me. So I sit down with him and watch a game now and then, what pretty much means I stare at the TV until my eyes starts burning. It is his sport, his team and I want to be supportive, I really do, but it’s hard.
I tried to get into football for many years, but regardless how hard I tried, it just didn’t work. I can sit there trying to figure out who is who for hours. They run left, they run right and I am sitting there, sleeping with open eyes. Sometimes my sleep gets interrupted, when Mr. Football jumps up and screams “Where is the flag?” or something else utterly important. Those little, colored handkerchiefs, which they are throwing around like candy from a party boat, that’s what they call a flag -what doesn’t make any sense at all. If it’s a handkerchief, call it a handkerchief.
I know some of the rules and some football slang, but most of it is just lost on me. It took me years to figure out that a tight-end was just a position on the field and that I did not have to stare at the players behinds (even though that was actually very entertaining). Although I learned, that it’s not good to scream “Goal” each and every time when they have a touchdown.
It always puzzled me, why is it called football, when they play with their hands? Beats me, but I don’t even ask anymore. There is just no logic behind it, or they would have noticed years ago, that balls are round and not oblong or egg-shaped.
Friends come over and watch the games with us , so I know I am not the only woman, who is bored senseless during football season.
I learned a few things over the years. Most importantly, I learned how to pretend that I understand a little bite about football, so I can join the cheerful people in our living room without looking like a total moron.
Here are some tricks you might want to try, if you are as clueless as I am:
- It is really helpful to scream “Come on” and roll your eyes, when they interrupt the game with another commercial break, what pretty much happens every 5 minutes. “Come one” will sound like you are enjoying the game.
- Some friends will test your knowledge about football with questions like “What do think about the game?” No worries there, the most perfect answer is “I am too upset to talk about it right now”...works like a charm each and every time.
- Although, when you feel people are watching you, start shouting at the referees aka knows as “The Blind”. “What is wrong with him?” or just a simple “Whattttttt?” will do. As long as you pretend you are upset, that’s all that matters.
- In case you don’t really know what is going on, just throw your hands in the air and say “Where is the flag?”. Some tricky people might ask you what for, but no worries there; just say “Holding” and they will leave you alone. You can bet your butt someone was holding something or someone…somewhere.
- The safest way to watch football with football enthusiast, is to just repeat what the people around you were saying just a while back. But, it’s a little bit tricky, when not all your friends will be routing for the same team.
- When everything fails and you feel like you will be outed as a football dummy any minute, just sit up straight and throw the sentence “Do you think there will be any deflated balls this season?” into the room. That’s all you have to do. After that you can lean back, you are off the hook…that will keep them busy for a while.
- And last, but not least, there will be a point when you won’t be able to take it anymore, then that’s just what you will announce “I can’t take it anymore.” After that get up and leave (as fast as you can), but don’t forget to stomp your foot and hang your head low like you would be suffering. Go in the kitchen and have the drink (or the cookie) you so much deserve.
And that’s how you survive another weekend of football without looking like a total moron. 🙂