Some of you may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others.
I got to know them when I came here and some of them helped me to learn English with a laughter. I miss this kind of humor today.
There is not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below and you don’t have to be Jewish to enjoy a good laugh.
- A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable? ” The man says, “I make a good living.”
- I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”
- Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
- A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand? “The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
- A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking. “The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
- *Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
- Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- *There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak
“The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.
“The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
“The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
“What’s the matter already? You didn’t like the blue one?”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.