There was a time in my life, when I thought about the past a lot. I sat there for hours, days and weeks, trying to find the answers to all the questions that I had. I wanted answers and explanations about many things that had happened in my life, but most of all about my parents. I was convinced that many things would be different, if my past would have been different.
I was hovering over the dark sides of my past, almost forgot about the wonderful times I had with my Grandma, when I left my parents house. The dead were quiet, so I started to speculate. “What if…?” What if is a great game one can play all alone, no other players needed. It can be very entertaining, but it although wears you out.
If you are depressed, you are living in the past, it was true for me. The dead don’t talk, there were no answers and I had to let my demons go, needed to set them free. I wrote letters to my Mother and my Father, wrote about me and my feeling toward them. I rewrote the letters for days, things came to my mind that I had forgotten, other things were all of a sudden no longer important. I read the letters out loud, when I was all by myself and burned them afterwards. I set my self free. The past is the past and can’t be undone; the sooner one realizes that, the better is. Acceptance was the key for me to let go. My past the way it has been written, made me the person who I am today. I learned to love myself unconditionally, with all the flaws that I think I have.
Then, years later I drifted off in the opposite direction, when I had some serious health issues. Day after day I worried about the future, about my health and about the people I loved -most of all about my husband. “What if…” came by to visit me again, but in a different way. This time, “What if,” didn’t overwhelm me with its dark shadow, no, this time it was like a buzzing mosquito all over the place. The sound in my head, “What if…what if”, didn’t stop. Once again I had so many questions on my mind and I tried to get a glimpse of the future. “What if I don’t have a future?” I worried all the time, I was anxious and nervous.
I remember a day in the grocery store, when I felt like fainting. I was breathing heavily and couldn’t leave the store fast enough. I felt better when I arrived at home, but still I called my doctor and made an appointment. I heard the word panic attack for the first time and I couldn’t believe it. I am not the type who panics easily, so how could I have panic attacks and why was I feeling anxious all the time? I worried 24/7 and it left me in very anxious, at an uncertain place. If you are anxious you are living in the future. It was true, that’s where my mind was.
I couldn’t undo the things that had happened in my past and I couldn’t alter my future. We all die one day and neither one of us knows when and how.
“Stop worrying, you might get hit by a bus while worrying, because you didn’t pay attention.” My best friend told me that, when she was by my side. “Que sera sera…whatever will be will be,” and she was right. I realized that worrying caused me more harm than I thought. I let go of my worries step by step and I found myself at peace.
I like this quote, because it is a daily reminder at how much power we all have to dictate our well being.
While I am not perfect, I am at peace today; the demons of past and present have left.