Eating Tips for the Holiday Season

Holiday eating4Christmas and Hanukkah parties are fun. Lots of good food in the company of people you (hopefully) like. However, here are some guidelines, so you will be able to get the most out of every Holiday party:

Celery Sticks and carrots:

If you go to a Christmas party and you see celery sticks or carrots on the buffet….leave. Grab your present and your coat and get the hell out. Anyone who puts carrots or celery on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls and noodle kugel.

Eggnog:

Drink quickly and as much as you can. It’s a seasonal treasure, you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat…enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think…it’s Christmas!

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The main gravy rules:

Something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Go and get seconds and remember…make a happy plate. Dunk the rolls or the bread in the gravy or lick the plate. Whatever you prefer.

Mashed potatoes: 

Mashed potatoes…that’s some tricky business. Always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

Before the party:

DO NOT EVER have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free….lots of it. Dah?

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Exercise:

Don’t! Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

Don’t overlook the good stuff:

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

Pies, cakes, and whipped cream:

Chocolate, Apple, Sweet Potato, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two chocolates and one sweet potato. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? And don’t ever forget the whipped cream and lots of it.

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Fruitcake:

I tried, I really tried, but I think there is really absolutely no excuse for this stuff. Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

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Basic No-Panic rules:

Last but not least, there are some ground rules.

  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Things licked off knives, and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
  • Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  • Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

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15 thoughts on “Eating Tips for the Holiday Season

  1. I love fruitcake. Garry REALLY loves fruitcake.

    Neither of us drinks.

    If ate that many calories, I’d be in a coma in the hospital. Or dead.

    I used to make the MOST lethal eggnog on earth. Then, after a bunch of years, no one could actually drink it, so i quit. Now I buy a half gallon of it around now and half of it is left over on New Year’s.

    I agree about the carrot sticks, though. There’s gotta be a better vegetable than that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. HAHAHAHA!! Loved this 😀

    My first reaction was – uh-oh, a skinny person is about to tell us fat people about self-control. Like Daily Musings, I got to the carrot sticks and burst out laughing. It only got better from there.

    I love starting off my day laughing 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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