How could you die before we made up?

I miss you my friend 2

I lost a friend, a very good friend; just heard about it before Christmas. No, let me rephrase this. I lost one of my best friends, she died and I didn’t even know about it. I didn’t know about it, because we weren’t talking.

We weren’t talking since almost 3 years. Not a word…we were cold as ice toward each other and ignored each other perfectly, because we could. We knew there was still so much time left and we would make up and sit one day on the front porch  in our rockers -way up in our 80’s- as we always joked we would.

Life doesn’t work like that. We plan and then we get busy adjusting our sails to a wind that we didn’t see coming and it looks like, I have a hard time adjusting my sails right now.

We met in 1999, when Sandy bought the house beside us. “Do you know where there is a gas station with a clean bathroom?” she asked and I invited her in and let her use our bathroom, until the construction workers were done with all the work at her house.

I liked her right from the start. She was very much like me, big mouth and a big heart, combined with a laughter that made me laugh with her, even when I didn’t know what she was laughing about.

She was a widow, in her 40’s and we had a lot in common. We became friends, almost instantly. We just clicked and it went from there. All my friends liked and accepted her as her friends and family accepted me. My husband and her were best buddies, we had great times together.

I have never laughed harder with anybody. I remember one time in a restaurant, the waitress was standing there, trying to get our order and we had to hide our faces in the menu, because we laughed so hard that we couldn’t talk. The waitress had to come back two more times, until we were finally able to talk again without rolling with laughter-she got a generous tip when we left.

My friend was an accident waiting to happen. She was the clumsiest person I have ever met. She could fall over the dog leash of her little Wiener dog and she would fall in slow motion, what made keeping a straight face very challenging. I had to bring her to the emergency room twice, both times because she had done something that only she could do. Like falling of a treadmill, because she put it on high gear while standing on it.

She was one of the closest friends in my life, one of the rare ones that I shared secrets with.

One day she called me and told me that she had met a guy. She was widowed for over 10 years and I was so excited for her, we all were…until we met the guy.

He proposed 2 weeks after they had met and moved right in with her. He came with a few moving boxes and a few bags of dirty clothes.

I didn’t like him, I didn’t trust him and everybody else felt the same way.  Sandy was happy, her eyes were sparkling, she was head over heels in love.

I didn’t know what to do or what to say. “You need to talk to her,” was the one thing I heard from all sides. How could I?

She was happy and I wanted her happy, but I also wanted her safe. I didn’t trust that guy, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe none of us knew him good enough to judge him or his story?

They went shopping; new clothes, new tools, new this and that and Sandy paid for all of it. I have no idea what she saw in him.

She got very defensive, each and every time one of us made a remark. She was in love and she was protecting her future husband and I didn’t even blame her. I would do the same for my husband or anybody I love.

A few days later she called me over to her house, she wanted to know what I was thinking. I had debated all along what I should say. I was her friend, wasn’t I the one who should accept everything she did without questioning her? Or was it my job to tell her the truth?

She had a good job, a house, a nice car and she had worked hard for all of it. I just wanted her to protect what was her’s. I didn’t tell her what I thought about her fiance, I just couldn’t.

So I told her that I was very happy for her, but that I thought she should think about letting him sign a prenup.

She got very defensive right then and there and I didn’t even blame her. I had spoken my peace and felt better….she didn’t.

We had stopped talking for a few days when I called her. The conversation we had went south and we somehow decided not to be friends anymore. It was a decision made in anger and neither one of us really meant it.

Her pride…my pride, who knows what we were thinking. I know we loved each other and I know friendship just doesn’t die, but something had gotten the best of us and we decided to go separate ways.

We were still next door neighbors and I believe none of us could really stand it and the timing was perfect, when my husband got a job offer and we moved away, closer to his new job.

Sandy and I never talked again, but I got updates on her and her life from other friends and her family. The guy and her had broken up shortly afterwards, because she had caught him stealing.

All this time I was sitting there thinking that I would call her one day out of the blue. I knew she had scares that had to heal and I felt a little bit the same way.

We were both in our early 50’s,  there wasn’t any hurry.

Then I got the call, just not the one I was hoping for. I got the call that she had died, just before Christmas. Out of the blue and it hit me hard; it took my breath away and ever since I am mobbing through the house mumbling to myself.

I should have called her; she should have called me…what were we thinking?

I am mad for all the time wasted…not talking. We should have known better; life can be over in the blink of an eye.

So if you read this and there is someone out there that you love and you haven’t talked in a while. Pick up the phone…

I miss you my friend

 

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41 thoughts on “How could you die before we made up?

  1. Like you I waited too long. My oldest and dearest friend passed away in October of last year. I didn’t like his wife, and it was awkward being around them as a couple (there was nothing romantic between he & I, but she always seemed to think there was) that I just stopped seeing him. The last year she (his wife) called me a few times to tell me he wanted to see me, but I just never found the time. Now I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for your loss. What a sad story. We should always take the time to tell those precious to us that they are. Because one day it IS too late.

  2. That would be my cousin. I need to call, but I’m afraid I will stumble on my words and she and I will just get “into it”. I’m sorry you’ve lost someone you love without the chance to see her. I also lost someone I cared for last year without seeing them for years and regret not taking them up on an invite to talk. I don’t want to cry over it. I think I’ll make an out of the blue move instead. You have moved me thank you! Peace

    • I was thinking about what I would tell my friend now if I could and I believe I might have done that in my mind. I would tell her “Look idiot…I love you and I still consider you my best friend, get over it,” or something like that.

      Thank you for stopping by.

  3. Oh I feel so awful about this- your loss, the shock of it- so hard to get your head around it. I read your description of your relationship and smiled- so wonderful to have someone to laugh with like that, to be able to share so much with. So hard when a friend make a choice that we don’t understand or agree with- when that wedge is created. We often wish we could go back in time, change it, so hard to live with way things turn out sometimes- all I can say is I am sorry- and that ‘beating yourself up” over it won’t help- all we can do is move forward and learn from it I suppose- and think twice before letting time slip away between friends and those we love. Hugs to you my friend ❤ ❤

    • I don’t know if I would do it differently, if I could go back in time. I should listened to my instincts and should have called when I felt I should. But…it’s done now and I will not beat myself up over it.
      Just will love the ones that are left more.

  4. If ever there was proof that love is blind! Yes, we told both our daughters they married hopeless partners. Only one of them survived and is now away from the previous misery. The other daughter sadly died too. The doorstep of good relationships are strewn with banana skins and as rare as winning the lotteryl I did win the lottery and it seems, so did you.

    • Oh Gerard, I am so sorry about your daughter. I can not even imagine.

      You are right, we did win the lottery. Just don’t tell my husband, because I always tell him that he is he lucky one 🙂

  5. It wouldn’t have been easy to get friends again…..

    At first , because she couldn’t accept your advice and your opinion on her fiancé , and then , because she had to consider that you were right …!

  6. So sorry for your loss. Thank you for your reminder to not let the sunset when we still have friends we need to make peace with.

  7. I know this has been bothering you since you first heard the news. It’s hard not to beat yourself up over the lost opportunity, but try to be kind to yourself. As others have said, there are 2 people in a relationship. The burden isn’t all yours, but as the survivor you bear the brunt of it.
    I’m so sorry for you. Hugs.

    • Yes, it is bothering me more than I can say. Friends like that don’t come along every day, so it a reminder to treasure the ones I still have and to spoil them rotten. 🙂

      You are very sensitive my friend.

      • No, sadly they don’t. It seems much harder to make dear friends as we get older. It seems we build defensive walls to protect ourselves from the hurt we’ve experienced before.

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