I was a bouncy, happy little girl who was full of questions and laughter. The silence came later when I grew up and rooted deeper.
But first, there was a riot. When I tried to be quiet, the noises got louder.
Old pain found its way upward, showed me that it wasn’t forgotten, just because I had decided to keep it bottled up. I questioned the present and started to organize the future.
What now? Why here? I had fantasy dialogues with myself, made silent deals and pleas.
The stillness that surrounded me gave me nothing; it made me nervous and jumpy. The people around me seemed to enjoy this experience. It gave them great joy. Whatever they were talking about, didn’t happen to me. I didn’t solve world peace; I didn’t find my inner peace. I sat in a room full of silent people and felt highly nervous.
I was at a meditation retreat, and it would be a long weekend. I had wasted my money, couldn’t wait for it all to be over. What a stupid idea it all had been.
The silence left me unsettled; there was a riot in my head. Inside it gets louder when the outside world has gone quiet. I sat there, stared at the white wall and wondered what they would serve for lunch.
So many noises, not just within me. People were shifting their positions; some dared to clear their throat. Footsteps in the hallway, a fly was buzzing around me. This meditation thing wasn’t working for me. This was boredom hell!
The more I tried, the less it seemed to work. Was I trying to hard? Why can THEY do it and I don’t? Oh, it drove me crazy.
It took some time, but then I discovered it too, the place of inner peace, the fountain of calmness and it was worth the while.
I honestly believe that you haven’t found yourself if you can’t be alone and if you can’t enjoy the silence.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and right-doing, there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi