The Meditation Nightmare!

I was a bouncy, happy little girl who was full of questions and laughter. The silence came later when I grew up and rooted deeper.  

But first, there was a riot. When I tried to be quiet, the noises got louder.

Old pain found its way upward, showed me that it wasn’t forgotten, just because I had decided to keep it bottled up. I questioned the present and started to organize the future.

What now? Why here? I had fantasy dialogues with myself, made silent deals and pleas.

The stillness that surrounded me gave me nothing; it made me nervous and jumpy. The people around me seemed to enjoy this experience. It gave them great joy. Whatever they were talking about, didn’t happen to me. I didn’t solve world peace; I didn’t find my inner peace. I sat in a room full of silent people and felt highly nervous.

I was at a meditation retreat, and it would be a long weekend. I had wasted my money, couldn’t wait for it all to be over. What a stupid idea it all had been.

The silence left me unsettled; there was a riot in my head. Inside it gets louder when the outside world has gone quiet. I sat there, stared at the white wall and wondered what they would serve for lunch.

So many noises, not just within me. People were shifting their positions; some dared to clear their throat. Footsteps in the hallway, a fly was buzzing around me. This meditation thing wasn’t working for me. This was boredom hell!

The more I tried, the less it seemed to work. Was I trying to hard? Why can THEY do it and I don’t? Oh, it drove me crazy.

It took some time, but then  I discovered it too, the place of inner peace, the fountain of calmness and it was worth the while.

I honestly believe that you haven’t found yourself if you can’t be alone and if you can’t enjoy the silence.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and right-doing, there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

stillness

Silence

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14 thoughts on “The Meditation Nightmare!

  1. Calmness is the mantra of meditation. In calmness lies the process of whole world. Meditation is a process and no one can be perfect. It is a continuous state where we live in a busy world yet unperturbed by it. Sharing such thoughts always encourages to look for deeper state of this calmness and enjoying the drama at the world stage.

    Nice article.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve never mastered the whole meditation thing … although I really wish I could. It is said that we already know inside ourselves all the answers we need. The challenge is to find them. I haven’t found any yet, but I do enjoy the company 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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