I was a bouncy, happy little girl who was full of questions and laughter. The silence came later when I grew up and rooted deeper.
But first, there was a riot. When I tried to be quiet, the noises got louder.
Old pain found its way upward, showed me that it wasn’t forgotten, just because I had decided to keep it bottled up. I questioned the present and started to organize the future.
What now? Why here? I had fantasy dialogues with myself, made silent deals and pleas.
The stillness that surrounded me gave me nothing; it made me nervous and jumpy. The people around me seemed to enjoy this experience. It gave them great joy. Whatever they were talking about, didn’t happen to me. I didn’t solve world peace; I didn’t find my inner peace. I sat in a room full of silent people and felt highly nervous.
I was at a meditation retreat, and it would be a long weekend. I had wasted my money, couldn’t wait for it all to be over. What a stupid idea it all had been.
The silence left me unsettled; there was a riot in my head. Inside it gets louder when the outside world has gone quiet. I sat there, stared at the white wall and wondered what they would serve for lunch.
So many noises, not just within me. People were shifting their positions; some dared to clear their throat. Footsteps in the hallway, a fly was buzzing around me. This meditation thing wasn’t working for me. This was boredom hell!
The more I tried, the less it seemed to work. Was I trying to hard? Why can THEY do it and I don’t? Oh, it drove me crazy.
It took some time, but then I discovered it too, the place of inner peace, the fountain of calmness and it was worth the while.
I honestly believe that you haven’t found yourself if you can’t be alone and if you can’t enjoy the silence.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and right-doing, there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi
The happy Quitter! 
Calmness is the mantra of meditation. In calmness lies the process of whole world. Meditation is a process and no one can be perfect. It is a continuous state where we live in a busy world yet unperturbed by it. Sharing such thoughts always encourages to look for deeper state of this calmness and enjoying the drama at the world stage.
Nice article.
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It takes some training doesn’t it?
Thank you for stopping by.
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Training is essential but the danger of getting noises from the world and deviating from the path is constant. I have found it difficult to remain calm in such moments. Reading helps but even at some instances there is so much of turmoil. I have also started meditation recently but feel that my ego or expectations from the world is too big for any vacuum to exist.
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It takes a while to get used to it. Meditation doesn’t just happen, it’s a process – a journey.
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Your writing is very entertaining and thought provoking!!
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So interesting Bridget. I tried meditation, but I found it hard to sit quietly and not allow all my worries to bubble up to the surface within the quiet. Sometimes I do find it helpful though.
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Too funny! You stirred up all the memories from my first meditation retreat. I felt like such a fraud.
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I think it’s most useful in one’s life, to stop and try to communicate with the real self….
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I brings things into perspective doesn’t it?
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I’ve never mastered the whole meditation thing … although I really wish I could. It is said that we already know inside ourselves all the answers we need. The challenge is to find them. I haven’t found any yet, but I do enjoy the company 😉
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I was the meditations failure at first. It took me a while, I wasn’t born to sit still, I am an active, little bugger. I expected it to be easier. “What can be so difficult about silence,” I thought and life taught me a lesson.
I meditate almost every day and now I needed it as much as I need my exercise.
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The closest I get to meditation IS exercising.
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That’s a very interesting statement. The feeling of totally exhaustion comes very close to the state of mediating. You are a smart cookie my friend.
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🙂
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