The Torture Instrument

april 2017 013

I work mostly standing up and lately, I can feel it in the evening. My feet are hurting, no matter what shoes I wear during the day, so I had the brilliant idea to order a foot massager, I thought that could do the trick.

I decided to give a small Foot-reflex-zone-massager a try. It wasn’t expensive, under $40 including shipping and I was anxious to give it a try.

Finally, the package came and I sat down in the evening and read the instructions, even though the little roller is pretty self-explanatory. I put the massage roller on the floor, positioned my feet on it and started to roll them back and forth as instructed.

It took about two minutes and I had tears running down my cheeks.

I had forgotten how ticklish I am. Every time I gave it try I had to hold back laughter. I tried; I really did, but it was hopeless. What was I thinking? I can’t even get a pedicure in a nail salon because I am afraid I will kick the little Vietnamese girl through the store, the moment she will touch my feet.

I needed to return the item, it just didn’t work for me.

I tried to exchange it online, but somehow it didn’t let me do it. “Fair enough,” I thought and gave the company a call. A human answered the phone and told me that the item was a “Health and Beauty product, ” and it’s their policy not to accept any returns.

“Why do you want to give it back?” he asked.

“Because I die laughing when I use it,” I responded and the person on the other end pretended that he understood.

Sadly, still no returns. It upset me. What had happened to the money-back guarantee they had offered on their website?

“Oh, no worries, we give you the money back,” he ensured me and now he had me all confused.

“So, where can I send the massage roller too?” I wanted to know.

“We don’t want it back,” he said, “I already sent you a confirmation email, the money it should be back in your account tomorrow in the morning.”


What is wrong with people these days. I get free stuff left and right. I just got a free coffee maker, now I got a free foot massage thing that I can’t use. What is going on?

“What am I suppose to do with it?” I asked the customer service guy before we ended the call.

“Give it away,” he said, “Or keep it.”

Give it away! Who does he think I should give it to? A homeless guy at the corner?

“Here, Sir, you might be cold and hungry, but take this and your feet won’t hurt any more or you will laugh yourself silly while starving to death.”


Life is the best story teller. You can’t make stuff like that up, it has to happen.


Anybody wants a foot massager?



10 thoughts on “The Torture Instrument

  1. A massage therapist suggested that I use a golf ball to massage the bottom of my feet. It works and there is absolutely nothing ticklish about it! Thank you for the reminder, I haven’t done it in a while and my foot is achey.

    I’ve only encountered an instance like this one once before. The customer service person explained that the shipping and administrative cost of having the item returned isn’t worth the effort. Maybe eventually you’ll start to get free stuff that really matters. Time to buy a lottery ticket perhaps? 😉

  2. Funny that you are so ticklish, and that you get so much stuff free! We have a senior center thrift store in town that takes just about anything – that’s where I donate my extras.

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