The Conscience of an Ex-smoker

Image result for fear

We both have been sick for weeks -three weeks to be exact. We both had a cold that just lingered a bit longer than usual. I could hear my husband cough in his sleep and he said the same about me the next morning. We both finally took time off work, that’s something we rarely do. 

I always joke that my better half seemed to be a bit sicker than me -when we both fought a cold. Merciless I made fun of him in the past, called the love of my life a big whiny baby, on more than one occasion. This time he was sicker. While I just fought a bad cold, it seemed that the same bug took his breath away -literally.

He had a hard time breathing. “My lungs are hurting,” he said over and over again, and he looked worried. I didn’t show my worry right away but felt terrified inside.

After weeks of coughing our head off, yes, I suppose it’s normal that our lungs could hurt. Perhaps a respiratory infection, bronchitis…so many things could make our lungs hurt.

We both have smoked for a very long time. The fear, that our past mistakes will catch up with us one day, is always there. Just because we finally quit smoking, doesn’t mean we will be spared to pay the ultimate price of a smoker. The possibility that one of us could develop lung cancer, is a realistic fact we live with.

I often push the thought to the side. I don’t allow dark could to linger in my life, no matter what direction they come from.

The other day we helped customers load four rather heavy chairs, and I watched my husband from a distance. He had to take breaks, and I could tell he was hurting.

As I type this, he is at the doctor’s office and this time they will run all kind of tests. I insisted on it, made an appointment and fought a quick battle with my husband until he understood, that not going wasn’t an option.

Since an hour I am waiting to hear from him, and I prepare myself for the worst. It seems after 50 we spent the rest of our life adjusting to age-related obstacles -big and small and I hope this one will be a small one.

In a short while, the tests will be over and I will meet my husband at the doctor’s office. I am a nervous wreck and have a hard time hiding it.

I wish I could bottle up the fear inside me, and give it in small doses to every young smoker out there. A quick taste of my reality and their possible future if they continue to smoke for years to come. Sadly, I cannot.

 

 

21 thoughts on “The Conscience of an Ex-smoker

  1. My thoughts & prayers are with you both., please stay strong for us all, It sounds like bronchitis to be honest. Although I am not a doctor but it does like something similar.

    Hope you feel better, keep us updated!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am an ex smoker too. Although I did not do it to relieve stress or anything subconsciously, I did enjoy it. I quit because I wanted to set a good example for my kids, and because my health was not liking me as a smoker. I think that if people could see the horror that smoking leads to they would be scared into giving it up too. Good article, makes a person think twice.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So I now found the missing post. Oh Bridget, even though I knew the outcome, reading this was heart-breaking. You actually had me in tears.
    I’m so glad your worst fears were not realized and this was a ‘small’ problem. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Last year I went through the same anxiety and fear about my lungs. The virus that hit was brutal and unrelenting. I finally went to the doctor’s and they didn’t like the sound of my lungs and put me on some kind of steam machine right then and there. First time that ever happened and I immediately thought of my past history with smoking. 😦 I hope all went well.
    http://www.meinthemiddlewrites.com

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Right now i am going thru it.. It seems like the closer i get to my B Day the sicker i get. I know soon i would have to take off work and make a DR. visit. I just cant shake it…SMH

    Like

  6. It may just be (and I’m not down playing the severity mind you) bronchitis or pneumonia. At worst it will be the big C. In between? COPD (not down playing the severity of that either, but you have time to adjust to it anyway), my husband had COPD and in the end he died from complications of it. Someone who deals with COPD on a regular basis is COPD4Real at COPDTravails on here (WordPress) IF that turns out to be the cause. But PROBABLY it’s going to be one of those conditions I mentioned first. And that’s not so bad. Keep us posted. I hope for the best for you and your husband!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s