I am not happy, or perhaps I am?

Image result for soul painting

I’m not happy. I feel a genuine sense of heartbreak every single day. A lot of it has to do with me being hyper-observant and somewhat intelligent. Not meaning to toot my own horn, but there’s a threshold, I believe, where too much knowledge, too much awareness, too much understanding makes it literally impossible to attain a state of happiness.

You just simply cannot stop thinking and feeling about the things that you see, and you see it all -good bad or otherwise. At least, for me anyway, my mind won’t allow me to chill out, relax, and accept. Instead, I despair greatly over such things as the state of our country, the state of the world, climate change, the dangers of technology & robotics, the dangers of genetic engineering, the millions of other living creatures that humans are directly responsible for wiping out.

These things aren’t made easier when you feel, foolishly of course, that you’re the only one that sees it. No, I’m not happy, and I’m a bit depressed. I know that this state of mind is entirely my responsibility and that I should give myself a break.

Happiness, goodness what does it even mean?

I think many people make the mistake of thinking that to be happy is to never feel sad or angry. Those are human emotions, valuable and inevitable. But to be happy is to realize that life is rich with things we call good and things we call bad. There never was, and never will be a time of perfection. If we stop and breathe for a moment, we might discover a kind of simple joy and contentment and that’s enough.

I was raised with universal “Catholic guilt” that people of that faith are burdened with. It was all about doing good deeds, not so much for others but rather for our own path to heaven. Just like most religions, it preaches to be generous but teaches us instead to be selfish and self-serving.

I realized that happiness does not come to us or last forever. It’s like a beautiful butterfly, it often comes by unannounced and surprises you with its beauty.

Image result for butterfly painting

Everlasting happiness is in my opinion, a fantasy -otherworldly, unrealistic. I believe we have to make our happiness, indeed. And for us, it comes in many forms. Gardening and nurturing the earth to bloom during another Spring. Reading good books. Appreciating friends and family who share with us this odyssey called life. A chocolate chip cookie, a warm cup of tea or a good glass of wine, making soup and eating it on a cold, blustery day, lunch with friends, flowers, kisses, walks in nature, treasured memories.

Yes, I have experienced sad, horrible times in my life and perhaps that’s the reason why I now can experience and see the beauty in life and smile with appreciation.

When I was young I could run fast and jump high, so I always wanted to run faster and jump higher and was never truly content. Now I get around slower and enjoy every second of it. Happiness is not striving for things. It is letting things come to you and enjoying them when they do! It is enjoying the people you are with and the things you have and the comforts without wishing for more.

Content I live, this is my stay;
I seek no more than may suffice;
I press to bear no haughty sway;
Look, what I lack my mind supplies.
Lo, thus I triumph like a king,
Content with that my mind doth bring.

Perhaps it’s alright to cry tears in the morning while reading the news, and laugh just a short while later when I see our dogs play.

Heartbreak and happiness walking side by side, accompanying me on my odyssey through life.

Image result for happiness painting


4 thoughts on “I am not happy, or perhaps I am?

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