My Abbys

I hike, I climbed the mountains like a goat. I skied fearlessly down black diamond slopes, yet I am not good with heights. Put me on a ladder and I will climb up like the wind, coming down, that’s a different story.

I have spent hours on a one-story rooftop, waiting for someone to rescue me, just because I had to prove to myself that I was capable to hang the Christmas lights -which I couldn’t do because I looked down.

I am drawn to the abyss, fear rooftop bars, and wouldn’t go on the balcony of a penthouse if you would pay me. None of it makes sense, but perhaps it does. I am -and always have been- a person with contradictions.

Ever since I am a little girl, I have two recurring dreams. In one of them, I find myself trapped up at a hight place. Something, that I have never seen, is behind me and no matter if I am on the roof or on a mountain cliff, I fear that I might have to jump into the depth, of whatever might be down there.

I have never told anybody about it. I assume I am not the only one who has dreams like this. We try to run, but feel paralyzed and can’t move. I suppose some movies and crime stories I have seen -or read- might have something to do with it.

A few weeks back I found myself back in my dream world and once again I was standing close to an edge. Something told me that this time was different. I would not wake up, instead, I would jump and I did.

In my dream, I took a few steps and I fell. I felt the sensation of falling in my sleep. It was real, even so, it wasn’t. I remember the surprise and I heard myself say, “Oh my Gosh I jumped,” and then it all changed.

I didn’t fall further, instead, I glided through the air. I could fly and I felt tremendous joy.

Is it possible that I could fly all this time, but found myself stuck in the same situation over and over because I didn’t dare to finish my dream? Do we even have the power to manipulate our illusions or the outcome of our dreams?

After flying for a while I woke up. I felt unbelievably satisfied and I found myself smiling. Who in the world lies in bed in the middle of the night smiling like a fool?

The next morning I felt the same excitement and I told my husband about my dream. He did not share my enthusiasm. I suppose nobody can. After all, it was just a dream. A dream that has hunted me for years had finally come to an end, and the outcome was so different from what I had expected.

I don’t believe in dream interpretations, and I am not superstitious -other than the stuff my Grandma made me believed in -like throwing salt over my left shoulder.

Interestingly enough, I stopped having the dream about heights. Perhaps deep down I know now that there is nothing that can stop me. I can always fly away and enjoy the view. I will never fall, that’s all I needed to now.

In my dreams, I can fly!