Saturday movie night is still exciting for me, just the way it has been 40 years ago. Times sure have changed. Now we stream a movie right into our living room without leaving our home. If we can’t find something interesting, then we splurge a little and order a PPV.
My husband is Mr. Blooper. He lives for the errors they made during editing. It seems to give him a weird form of excitement, and against his better knowledge he still shares his ‘findings’ with me. “Hon, did you see, the fridge was full when she opened it just 30 seconds ago, now it’s empty.” I try to look and sound interested, but fail miserably. I don’t care! (What? There was a fridge?)
He likes action movies and good dramas. I like movies based on a true story, really good dramas and action movies without a happy ending. I just can’t stand it when the main character gets hurt in the first five minutes, just to stumble bleeding through the next 1 1/2 hours of film and while so close to dying, he will still manage to destroy all bad guys, may there be one or fifty.
I have learned so much from movies throughout the years. When and how not to run if I ever will be chased by a monster in the forest. When not to scream, and to never ever follow the weird guy with the chain saw. Seriously, the way most female characters die in the movies is just so wrong on so many levels. Not all women run away and scream -some have dogs, or actually can run faster than the perpetrator. Some even might have a baseball bat and know how to use it -in case the dog fails.
In the movies, it’s always the stranger, the one who doesn’t know the area of the house, who finds her no matter what. It drives me nuts.
Besides how to run and where not to hide, I have learned so much more from the movies:
- During all police investigations, it seems to be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- All beds used in Hollywood have special L-shaped cover sheets, which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- Every grocery shopping bags in the movies contains at least one stick of French Bread.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want, without difficulty.
- If the movie takes place in Paris, France, the Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- Any man will show no pain while taking the most brutal beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it sooner or later.
- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth and great haircuts.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say Hello or Goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
First Posted in 2016