There is No Way Back

How can five small pills be so powerful?

The fear I felt before I took my first low dose of a chemotherapy drug was real. I felt very nervous, had read up on it, had researched it mercilessly. The internet, as always, helped me to picture all kinds of horror scenarios in my head. The printed list of potential side effects that came with the medication didn’t help much either: Possible death. I chuckled when I read it out loud. My husband didn’t think it was humorous at all.

Finally, I swallowed the little pills. 12.5 mg of Methotrexate. I drank a bottle of water and prepared myself for impact. Surely, it wouldn’t take long and my suffering would begin. How quickly it would come over me, and how long it would last, that I could only guess.

I felt like a mouse looking at a trap. I was afraid to move. “Perhaps I just sit here and watch a movie or something,” I thought to myself. Nothing can happen if you do nothing.

I waited patiently for the worst to come.

Two hours later, I felt hungry. Yeah right! Now my mind is tricking me into eating something so that nausea will be terrible. The hunger lingered, and I gave in.

I made breakfast and enjoyed every bite of it. Three hours later, still waiting on impact, I got bored and worked a bit. I had to sew new cushion covers, which seemed perfect. I would still be sitting but working, nausea or dizziness would not knock me off my feet easily.

An empty wastebasket, lined with a trash bag was gently put beside me, just in case.

Two hours later I was hungry again! What in the world was going on?

I drank my carrot-ginger smoothie, which tasted as excellent as always.

I finished the cushions and whistled a melody I made up as I went along.

Nothing happened quite the opposite. In the evening I sat in my chair and instead of paying attention to the TV I started touching my joints, the ones that are normally either swollen or hot to the touch by the end of the day.

My wrists were cold, and the swelling had gone down. My fingers still looked like sausages, but much smaller sausages, which surprised me. Overall, I felt good and I found myself smiling.

Why was I smiling?

Still scared out of my mind, grinning like a fool.

I found a video about the medication, not showing doctors but by patients like me, who at one point or another had all been as scared as I was. Strangers put my mind at ease.

I felt hope, which I consider a special gift.

Like the river looking at the ocean, wondering if it would get lost, realizing that embracing and becoming a part of it, might actually be fun.

I have a lot to lose, but also a lot to gain.

I fear no more.

I wish the internet would provide us not just with contra, but with pros as well. So much good can come from these five small pills I feared so much.

Looking back at the path I have been traveling so far (health-wise) I fear no more.

From the very long list of side effects, it seems I have none.

I am not taking this lightly. I know there is more to come. Once a week I will take the five pills, which will be fully working within four to six weeks, sometimes it can even take months. In my case, I already feel better, so I can’t wait to see where it will get me.

There is no way back. I am not lingering in the past but looking forward to becoming part of an ocean full of patients who have gotten their life back!~

Sometimes the bad can be good!