Arriving in Yourself

I often had the feeling that I didn’t fit into this world. The feeling that the people I was surrounded by were somehow different from me, that they had completely different lifestyles, values, or views than I did, and that I did not SEE myself in any of them.

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“Respect has to be earned,” one of the many wrong statements I made when I was younger, and which I now would like to retract. I didn’t know it better, had been blinded by the vanity and confidence of my youth. Now, years later, getting older has given me a different outlook, perhaps even a sprinkle of wisdom.

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Scar or Wound?

Cone of Shame Alternatives | PetMD

How we look at our scars is entirely up to us. We get hurt, and when we heal, what’s left is a mark -inside or outside. As many of you know, my husband had open-heart surgery just two years ago. Whenever I look at his naked chest I shudder and wish somehow I could have prevented it, but it only lasts for a few seconds, then I am grateful. He looks at his scar with joy. He was spared a heart attack and considers himself the luckiest man alive.

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So long 2021, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye!

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It’s us and our expectations who make all the fuzz, time itself passes quietly, from day to night, day in day out. Weeks and months depart, then the old year tries to leave at midnight when we are supposed to sleep, but we don’t let it. We stay up, watch it leave, kick it in the rare, tell it to go away and never come back. Another bad year, like so many before. We expected more, we deserve better. “Go away old year, I will forget you.”

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Was God Punishing us?

“Maybe God is punishing us,” my husband said and once again I envied him a bit.

Twenty years earlier I had followed him in the bedroom a few minutes after he had just gone to bed. I had an idea and needed to tell him right away. I opened our bedroom door and shared the result of my brainstorm with him. I didn’t get an answer. I whispered his name, wanted to make sure he was still awake. Again, no answer. He completely ignored me, or he had fallen asleep in under two minutes. Then, right when I tried to close the door quietly, willing to wait until the next morning to share whatever I had thought couldn’t wait, I heard him say. “I was praying.”

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My Love, My Strengths, My Everything

My husband had taken a serious beating. His business, his pride, and his joy for so many years, no longer existed. We owed money, we had lost our home, we soon would lose the car, and he could no longer provide for us. I knew what it did to him, maybe that’s the reason why I could be so strong back then but it didn’t last. One morning I got up, and I could not find the energy to go to the bathroom. What day was it? My friend was still at home. Was it Saturday or already Sunday?

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