Would You Be There?

Imagine somewhere out of space and time, a room full of all the people you loved in your lifetime. Childhood friends and lovers, family, partners and spouses. Perhaps some would be surprised to find themselves in your room, because you never told them how you felt.

In this room full of people you love, would you be there too?

It’s a brutal question isn’t it?

Would I be in this room?

Self-love, the most complicated form of love so it seems.

“You have to love yourself first before someone else can love you.” You hear it a lot and it is like a punch in the stomach. 

I thought I had already celebrated self-love rituals. I had spent hours with a seaweed face mask in the fragrant tub and still didn’t love myself more than before. The advice “be good to yourself” is not wrong, however, like so many others, I confused it with do what is convenient for you.

Me-time and pampering myself does not mean I love myself. However, being good to myself also should include doing what is really good for my body and soul. Eating healthier, exercising more, meditating instead of staring in the computer. (Busted!)

Self-love! It should be unconditional and come naturally, but it doesn’t Why?

Master Yoda knew, just because we think something doesn’t mean it’s true. Our thoughts can quite easily drag us to the dark side of power. Often we believe our thoughts far too readily -especially those who make us small and keep us away from self-love.

I was my worst critique. Butt was too small, feet were too big. I was too tall, but not tall enough to stand above all of it. I never even made it to my inside, where the real treasures could be hidden.

I was the classic “I’m not good enough” with all its varieties. Boy, are we good at talking ourselves down. Why is there no competition for that? Forget Miss World or Miss Universe, they are pretty boring anyway. Put the basket cases on the runway and name everything what’s wrong with them -inside and out.

Tell yourself I LOVE YOU every morning and mean it!

My friend had asked me to do this for one month it felt so wrong. A yellow sticky note in the inside of our mirror cabinet in the bathroom reminded me. The first time it felt so odd. I looked myself in the eye, whispered I love you and it felt ridiculous. I didn’t mean it and it showed. I looked away, got side-tracked on purpose and cursed my friend.

After about two weeks it got easier and I meant what I said. I like myself well enough, I just never allowed myself to think about self-love.

Forgive yourself!

I am a very forgiving person. I believe everybody deserves a second chance, yet not me. If I am to blame I will not let myself of the hook. Forgiving myself for the wrong choices I have made, for the things I have done but shouldn’t have. Forgiving myself for the past when I didn’t know better, judging myself sometimes harshly now, because I see it all clearer.

A constant source of self-tearing for various “offenses” that we simply cannot forgive ourselves because we believe they are evidence of our inadequacy. Even if nobody talks about it for a long time -we never forget and regularly punish ourselves for it. 

We blame ourselves for shortcomings only we can see. We human beings are completely unaware that most of the thoughts in our mind are complete untrue. Yet, we believe them, follow them, become emotionally entangled in them, allow them to change our mood, allow them to change our behavior.

You can look at events from the seat of awareness or the seat of disturbance. You keep your infinite soul in a house made of your model of the world and expectations of people. When you approach your walls, you will feel insecurity and fear, but if you stay in the witness position these tensions will pass through you.

I have made so many mistakes, so many bad choices. None of my choices were dramatically wrong, it is all just in my mind.

Unfortunately, we often think such thoughts unconsciously – before we realize what we are thinking, we have already believed it. Mindfulness helps here once more. Now and then stop and listen to yourself. Watch your thoughts. And make yourself aware again and again, just because you think something doesn’t necessarily have to be true.

Forgiving myself, was perhaps the hardest part on my way to self-love.

Yes, in a room full of people I loved, I would be there too!