Hello Mother Nature,
it’s me, the 52-year old woman who lives in the blue house right at the end of the street. Remember me?
We haven’t seen each other in a while, ever since you abruptly ended our friendship about two years ago, when you decided, I would not receive your monthly gift anymore. No hard feelings, but a small warning would have been nice back then. I almost drove to the emergency room when I got my first hot flash -thought I had a heart attack- and only the search for a cooler place, prevented me from making a total fool out of myself.
There I was, an elegant, classy lady when you turned me into a sweaty mess.
I didn’t complain then; I accepted your decision and our breakup with as much grace as a middle-aged, sweaty woman can come up with. It was a hard and a rather brutal transition, but I managed -with the help of numerous fans and an extra A/C window unit in my bedroom.
Even my husband adjusted nicely to the arctic temperatures in our home. He has fallen in love with his fur-lined slippers and has found a new appreciation of all the cozy blankets, which he now even uses during the summer time.
You didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and now, out of the blue, after two years, you decided to stop by -unannounced.
Friends throw each other surprise parties, and I have to give it to you that, you nailed that one. I was so not expecting it. How sneaky of you to show up at night. I was so used to my PAUSE of MENO that I almost didn’t know what to do with your little present. I went to the aisle with female hygiene products and felt nervous. As ALWAYS the product I knew, was displayed right beside the adult diapers for older people, and I couldn’t help thinking that buying these might be the better deal for me.
I mean seriously, I just bought a jumbo package of female hygiene products that I (hopefully) will never use again. What am I suppose to do with the leftovers? Put them in my will?
I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I am 52 years old, what were you thinking? We broke up. Remember?
Considering my age, I am almost sure that I received someone else’s gift by mistake. I bet you meant to leave it across the street, and you messed up. My neighbor is a sweet lady; I don’t want her to have a nervous breakdown while she is waiting for her gift. You better fix that!
You came by in the middle of the night, so may I suggest using a flashlight from now on. Also, you might want to think about investing in a GPS system…just in case.
Mother Nature, please don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t want to be friends anymore. Please be so nice and put me back into the ice age aka menopause, because now I am used to it and I love it. I gave up being elegant; I like my comfortable clothes, my flat shoes, and my rosy cheeks.
A very confused Happy Quitter
PS. Stay off the booze
You just can’t be elegant, when you are a sweaty mess 🙂