The Conscience of an Ex-smoker

We both have been sick for weeks -three weeks to be exact. We both had a cold that just lingered a bit longer than usual. I could hear my husband cough in his sleep and he said the same about me the next morning. We both finally took time off work, that’s something we rarely do. 

I always joke that my better half seemed to be a bit sicker than me -when we both fought a cold. Merciless I made fun of him in the past, called the love of my life a big whiny baby, on more than one occasion. This time he was sicker. While I just fought a bad cold, it seemed that the same bug took his breath away -literally.

He had a hard time breathing. “My lungs are hurting,” he said over and over again, and he looked worried. I didn’t show my worry right away but felt terrified inside.

After weeks of coughing our head off, yes, I suppose it’s normal that our lungs could hurt. Perhaps a respiratory infection, bronchitis…so many things could make our lungs hurt.

We both have smoked for a very long time. The fear, that our past mistakes will catch up with us one day, is always there. Just because we finally quit smoking, doesn’t mean we will be spared to pay the ultimate price of a smoker. The possibility that one of us could develop lung cancer, is a realistic fact we live with.

I often push the thought to the side. I don’t allow dark could to linger in my life, no matter what direction they come from.

The other day we helped customers load four rather heavy chairs, and I watched my husband from a distance. He had to take breaks, and I could tell he was hurting.

As I type this, he is at the doctor’s office and this time they will run all kind of tests. I insisted on it, made an appointment and fought a quick battle with my husband until he understood, that not going wasn’t an option.

Since an hour I am waiting to hear from him, and I prepare myself for the worst. It seems after 50 we spent the rest of our life adjusting to age-related obstacles -big and small and I hope this one will be a small one.

In a short while, the tests will be over and I will meet my husband at the doctor’s office. I am a nervous wreck and have a hard time hiding it.

I wish I could bottle up the fear inside me, and give it in small doses to every young smoker out there. A quick taste of my reality and their possible future if they continue to smoke for years to come. Sadly, I cannot.